Yesterday I finished the seven day course of renewal. It was an hour each day and I was able to do it at the restaurant in the mornings. Now I move to phase two. This is 21 days of meditation am/pm. I need to listen to this at home because it involves body relaxation and concentration. My day of completion will be September 10th.
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Start Slow and Finish BIG
This evening I am feeling better than I have in many months. I thought I would just look over my goal materials and begin the shuffle. I have to draw on a new machine and I guess it is getting me worried.
So, I will go back to the old method and only use the new machine to fix up any mistakes. From there I will find out about taxes on sales and then go ahead with my production. I am asking the Lord to help me through this so I know that all will be a success.
So, I will go back to the old method and only use the new machine to fix up any mistakes. From there I will find out about taxes on sales and then go ahead with my production. I am asking the Lord to help me through this so I know that all will be a success.
Fresh Start
My 8 month plan did not get touched. I left it behind and just re-imagined my future during the past 2 months. Everything in my life changed so I had to take this time to re-envision the new future. I now have 6 months of the 8 month plan left to do all that I had imagined I would do.
I was glad that I wrote it all down ahead of time because if I had not, I would not have known what I had expected myself to do during that time.
My new adventure is a huge risk but I think it is worth it.
I have many details to work out but I will begin by getting as much official information as possible.
Let's go and let's have a fresh start.
I was glad that I wrote it all down ahead of time because if I had not, I would not have known what I had expected myself to do during that time.
My new adventure is a huge risk but I think it is worth it.
I have many details to work out but I will begin by getting as much official information as possible.
Let's go and let's have a fresh start.
Turn Around Day
I wrote an achievements plan for the next 8 months yesterday. Today, I told people about it. In 8 days I start the plan. This is a special day. I can see the future. I can feel the present. What a gift to myself.
The Low Point
In my life, I have had low points but not a continuous low time as in the past four months. I say it is over now, and I will move into a wonderful future. I am rich, and all my dreams are now here.
As a continuation of the low time, today, even a waitress in a restaurant noticed that I was feeling low. I will change this by thinking about being better. Imagination is my key.
As a continuation of the low time, today, even a waitress in a restaurant noticed that I was feeling low. I will change this by thinking about being better. Imagination is my key.
The Unknown of When Things Fall Apart Again
I was wrong. Everything fell apart last week. Literally everything.
I'm now going through a sorting it all out process. I'll post more on this shortly.
Yes, the worst of things happened. So much for the theory of these things come in threes. It has just been disaster after disaster. I am trying to cope. The best way thus far has been to try to get some sleep. Try to work only 8 hours instead of 16 per day. Try to find a way of making sense out of what happened. Trying to get good advice. I hope it all works out.
My horoscope, on the other hand, says that my career will soar. I will get a promotion. How's that? It seems to be soaring into the mud. No promotions come from something like that.
Help me Lord.
I'm now going through a sorting it all out process. I'll post more on this shortly.
Yes, the worst of things happened. So much for the theory of these things come in threes. It has just been disaster after disaster. I am trying to cope. The best way thus far has been to try to get some sleep. Try to work only 8 hours instead of 16 per day. Try to find a way of making sense out of what happened. Trying to get good advice. I hope it all works out.
My horoscope, on the other hand, says that my career will soar. I will get a promotion. How's that? It seems to be soaring into the mud. No promotions come from something like that.
Help me Lord.
New Beginnings
It is now 5 years since I was diagnosed with cancer and told I had a 50/50 chance. Now my reports says I am free.
I am also leaving behind the old life before cancer. My new life is one in which I create from the gifts God gave me, my singing, writing, and art. I am free to be myself. . . to be as I am.
Now, I believe my life has changed for the better, I am happy, health, wealthy, and wise. More than that, I am relaxed and joyous. I feel like my life is the best it has ever been.
Thanks to the Lord, to whom I have prayed many times this week, and will continue each day. Next week will be a BIG turn around on the work and enjoyment scene.
I am also leaving behind the old life before cancer. My new life is one in which I create from the gifts God gave me, my singing, writing, and art. I am free to be myself. . . to be as I am.
Now, I believe my life has changed for the better, I am happy, health, wealthy, and wise. More than that, I am relaxed and joyous. I feel like my life is the best it has ever been.
Thanks to the Lord, to whom I have prayed many times this week, and will continue each day. Next week will be a BIG turn around on the work and enjoyment scene.
Bad Things Come in Three?
In science we often look at things and find patterns. Our intelligence tends to put things into perspective through these patterns.
I am not sure this will happen but certainly 3 bad things have happened. I am hoping that the bad lot is over after the 3 have been dealt with. My life feels like it is over and yet there is a lucky St. Patrick's Day tomorrow.
Anyway, tomorrow, I will be counting the patterns as usual and I hope that 3 good things will now happen to me.
I am not sure this will happen but certainly 3 bad things have happened. I am hoping that the bad lot is over after the 3 have been dealt with. My life feels like it is over and yet there is a lucky St. Patrick's Day tomorrow.
Anyway, tomorrow, I will be counting the patterns as usual and I hope that 3 good things will now happen to me.
I am Rich NOW!
I listened to 10 inspirational speeches this month and I read 10 inspirational books this year. They each said that I must declare my dream as if it is now here. So, ... I AM RICH and I THINK RICH!
This is what I declare. All past problems are gone and the new day has dawned. It is easy to be this rich way because I have skills, and what I have wanted all my life is to be free to relax. Now, I am rich. I am lucky.
This is what I declare. All past problems are gone and the new day has dawned. It is easy to be this rich way because I have skills, and what I have wanted all my life is to be free to relax. Now, I am rich. I am lucky.
Ready, Set, Go! Reboot ... and Ready, Set, Go Again!
This post is under construction just as I am after all the crazy times I've been through as I am recovering from cancer and treatments. Over the next few days I will plan my shift from self-protective procrastinator to master of my life.
I return to this post after 2 months, unable to write/work/respond to my life and ambitions. Today, I take up my personal challenge to write one article by 10 pm today. This is the first day of the seven day challenge. I begin now at 7 am. . .
. . . The seven day challenge failed. It's been seven days and now I have only 0 days that I can do all this. Stuff that takes a month to do, I am trying to complete in 7 days. What have I done to myself? It's is 9 pm and I think I'll try again the 7 day personal challenge starting tomorrow. This is a reboot.
My motto: "When and if you have failed and failed to meet your ambitions, then do not be afraid to start again. Tomorrow is another day. A better day!"
I return to this post after 2 months, unable to write/work/respond to my life and ambitions. Today, I take up my personal challenge to write one article by 10 pm today. This is the first day of the seven day challenge. I begin now at 7 am. . .
. . . The seven day challenge failed. It's been seven days and now I have only 0 days that I can do all this. Stuff that takes a month to do, I am trying to complete in 7 days. What have I done to myself? It's is 9 pm and I think I'll try again the 7 day personal challenge starting tomorrow. This is a reboot.
My motto: "When and if you have failed and failed to meet your ambitions, then do not be afraid to start again. Tomorrow is another day. A better day!"
Made It Through Another Hoop!
Yeah! Went to the doctor yesterday and got the final results of the scans. The thing on my lung is a calcification and not cancer. My lungs are clear.
I did not know what to do but hug the doctor. He did not seem fully receptive to this because I think he did not know what it is like to be almost dead from the last cancer treatment round, especially when I was almost retirement age, not through paying for my house and had debts. He would not know this low end of it all, based on his mild delivery of the information.
Still, I gave him a bit of a hug. He smiled. That was nice.
Then, I came home and did not know what to do. I was frozen for the night. I phoned my long-time friend who now lives 3000 miles away. She was happy to hear the news. I needed to tell someone. Not going to tell others. It creates too much of a sad story about oneself. Don't need that reputation right now.
This is a good day. The day after the news. Working on what I need to do and getting things done.
My new motto. "Live for today, it really matters."
Blessings to all my supporters and thank you God.
I did not know what to do but hug the doctor. He did not seem fully receptive to this because I think he did not know what it is like to be almost dead from the last cancer treatment round, especially when I was almost retirement age, not through paying for my house and had debts. He would not know this low end of it all, based on his mild delivery of the information.
Still, I gave him a bit of a hug. He smiled. That was nice.
Then, I came home and did not know what to do. I was frozen for the night. I phoned my long-time friend who now lives 3000 miles away. She was happy to hear the news. I needed to tell someone. Not going to tell others. It creates too much of a sad story about oneself. Don't need that reputation right now.
This is a good day. The day after the news. Working on what I need to do and getting things done.
My new motto. "Live for today, it really matters."
Blessings to all my supporters and thank you God.
Square One, AGAIN!...and Watching Again
Went to my family doctor yesterday to get the results from my blood tests and CT scan. Took me until today to write about it. I was tired, tired after hearing from him. He told me that my blood was 27, up from 26 and 26 is a warning. So, now I have to go for a scan this week and blood test in October to keep on top of it. My history of cancer, he said, tells "us" that we have to keep on top of it.
Something, he said, showed up in my lung. Could be nothing, but we have to watch, he said.
Well, after 5 years of this watching my health from the dark side, I now have to go back to square one and do it again.
Though I will retire with less money than if I wait until 65, I am now reflecting on friends in the same situation who retired early, had a life, and are now deceased. Should I go that way?
Seems like the right thing to do.
I was considering living on the ocean as my friends have recently done but they are older and have no health watch like me. Also, they have been retired for years and they are all married. Different story for them.
I need to get it together right now and make next week the beginning of the best time of my life. Fortunately, I am better prepared than I was the last time. Fortunately, my bucket list is prepared this time and fortunately, I know that it does not matter how long I live, it is how I live that matters.
I now know that today is what really matters.
Something, he said, showed up in my lung. Could be nothing, but we have to watch, he said.
Well, after 5 years of this watching my health from the dark side, I now have to go back to square one and do it again.
Though I will retire with less money than if I wait until 65, I am now reflecting on friends in the same situation who retired early, had a life, and are now deceased. Should I go that way?
Seems like the right thing to do.
I was considering living on the ocean as my friends have recently done but they are older and have no health watch like me. Also, they have been retired for years and they are all married. Different story for them.
I need to get it together right now and make next week the beginning of the best time of my life. Fortunately, I am better prepared than I was the last time. Fortunately, my bucket list is prepared this time and fortunately, I know that it does not matter how long I live, it is how I live that matters.
I now know that today is what really matters.
"The
starting point of all achievement is DESIRE. Keep this constantly in
mind. Weak desire brings weak results, just as a small fire makes a
small amount of heat."
- Napoleon Hill: American author
No One Forgets?
Hello. Four years after all the operation and cancer treatments I find myself in my manager's office, looking at my CV for promotion. All the other coworkers who started after me are cleared and supported to go ahead for promotion. Not me. I am compared to a colleague who died of cancer and the short period of time I was away was connected to him and his career. I did not think that this would hurt me when it came to promotion but it was indeed a problem. It is confusing that people who are supposed to be your team leaders see their role as labelers.
I felt hurt but I've decided to use this experience as a stepping stone to a much higher plain of life.
I need to re-envision myself.
I felt hurt but I've decided to use this experience as a stepping stone to a much higher plain of life.
I need to re-envision myself.
"See yourself living in abundance and you will attract it. It always works, it works every time with every person."
- Bob Proctor: American author
The Vision
"Visualize this thing that you want, see it, feel it, believe in it. Make your mental blueprint, and begin to build."
- Darwin P. Kingsley
"Time equals life; therefore, waste your time and waste your life,
or master your time and master your life."
- Alan Lakein: a well-known author on personal time management
“You
must keep sending work out; you must never let a manuscript do nothing
but eat its head off in a drawer. You send that work out again and
again, while you're working on another one. If you have talent, you will
receive some measure of success - but only if you persist.”
― Isaac Asimov
"Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever."
"If you need a miracle, be a miracle."
- Phillip C. McGraw: American television personality, author
"Innovation distinguishes between a leader and a follower."
- Steve Jobs: American entrepreneur, marketer, and inventor
"Imagination
is more important than knowledge. For while knowledge defines all we
currently know and understand, imagination points to all we might yet
discover and create."
- Albert Einstein: German-born theoretical physicist and philosopher of science
List of positive words beginning with... Any letter of the alphabet.
Lucky Meter
The War (within) is Over
Yes, the war is over. I no longer procrastinate. I do my writing and I do my drawing and my singing. All is good. Suddenly, today, the entire fiasco of the past years has been undone in a single thought. I no longer sweat the hard work or the fear of being wrong. It is all underway as I do what I was intended to do in this life.
In order to finish I merely get up in the morning and do two things toward my goal rather than avoiding it. This was the secret...Stop making plans for yourself to do things and just get it going. Magic? Don't know . . . but it worked for me. Hope it works for you, too.
I arrived at the thought through watching an ad. The man in the ad was talking about doing his "job" for the money and doing his "art" as the reward. This all seemed to work for me in a single thought. I'm in the reward, not in an extra job.
I also arrived at the thought through reading about Kaizen, a Japanese technique of doing one step at a time. No matter how small the step/s the journey is shortened.
In order to finish I merely get up in the morning and do two things toward my goal rather than avoiding it. This was the secret...Stop making plans for yourself to do things and just get it going. Magic? Don't know . . . but it worked for me. Hope it works for you, too.
I arrived at the thought through watching an ad. The man in the ad was talking about doing his "job" for the money and doing his "art" as the reward. This all seemed to work for me in a single thought. I'm in the reward, not in an extra job.
I also arrived at the thought through reading about Kaizen, a Japanese technique of doing one step at a time. No matter how small the step/s the journey is shortened.
Month Long Battles
Now reaching the end of several month long battles, I arrive at the right time to do things. I am not going to fail this time.
Every day in every way I am getting better and better.
My miracle transformation happens today.
Every day in every way I am getting better and better.
My miracle transformation happens today.
If you were WAITING for the right time. It's now.
I have been wondering why I cannot put finger to keyboard. Months have gone by.
I asked myself why for the first time today. My answer to myself is this - I'm scared of being wrong.
I'm afraid of being tired - no exhausted - from hard work. (Done that before.) I am enjoying doing nothing. Not good as a combination.
The right time to sort out this conflict is now.
I asked myself why for the first time today. My answer to myself is this - I'm scared of being wrong.
I'm afraid of being tired - no exhausted - from hard work. (Done that before.) I am enjoying doing nothing. Not good as a combination.
The right time to sort out this conflict is now.
A Do Over, Do Over, Do Over...til done. Figuring It Out.
All I need now is a do over.
I am only giving myself 11 days this time instead of 21. More concentrated period of time. . . more concentration.
Let's go!
Okay, a bit was done thus far in the 11 days stretch. 5 days are left.
Sit, sit, sit! Only 3 days left!!! What was that which Ernest Hemingway said? "Writing is easy. Just sit and bleed." ... well, something like that.
Two days now.
Last day. Nothing. BUT . . . I did figure out that I need to completely revise my TOC before I start writing. That is actually useful. Going to reduce my number of days to 7 this time around.
Begin -- Monday and finish by Sunday.
Go!!!!!!
...so nothing works that I've tried thus far. Nothing. I've been at this since last April. No scientist, books, tapes or other have worked. Today is Monday and I have 14 days to be done. Going to use my own method ... the dismiss all the rest method. Going inside my head now. Going. Bye for now and I'll report back in 14 days.
Now 14 days are over and it didn't/I didn't work. I am now going to try a new meditation program. Five days from now I'll check in again. That's Saturday.
How many do overs thus far? Too many to count. I will never, never, ever give up trying!
I am only giving myself 11 days this time instead of 21. More concentrated period of time. . . more concentration.
Let's go!
Okay, a bit was done thus far in the 11 days stretch. 5 days are left.
Sit, sit, sit! Only 3 days left!!! What was that which Ernest Hemingway said? "Writing is easy. Just sit and bleed." ... well, something like that.
Two days now.
Last day. Nothing. BUT . . . I did figure out that I need to completely revise my TOC before I start writing. That is actually useful. Going to reduce my number of days to 7 this time around.
Begin -- Monday and finish by Sunday.
Go!!!!!!
...so nothing works that I've tried thus far. Nothing. I've been at this since last April. No scientist, books, tapes or other have worked. Today is Monday and I have 14 days to be done. Going to use my own method ... the dismiss all the rest method. Going inside my head now. Going. Bye for now and I'll report back in 14 days.
Now 14 days are over and it didn't/I didn't work. I am now going to try a new meditation program. Five days from now I'll check in again. That's Saturday.
How many do overs thus far? Too many to count. I will never, never, ever give up trying!
The Next 21 Days
This is the first day of my next test. It is a personal goals test. Can I stick to it for 21 days?
Three goals and 21 days. I can do it !!! Be not afraid. Roll up your sleeves and just do it.
Now is the time.
Discovery of my own failings: (1) I'm afraid. (2) Mission unclear.
Now this is acknowledged and refined -- took five days of the 21 but I am on my way.
Day 9 today. Mission is clearer.
Day 12 and I'm only at the outline.
Day 15 and I've done the outline. It looks good. I have about 60 pages of notes to sort and revise. Only 5 days to go. Augh!
Four days left now. Found out I am cancer free again for another year. Motivation. Sit and do it.
Interruptions today from things I must do for others. Must focus on doing for myself, too. Divide my time up.
Two days left. Nothing much done. Ugly feelings. What can be done in 2 days?
...I guess nothing can be done. I wasted 21 days. Tears. Must try again.
Here we go. This time 4 goals clearly marked on the calendar/day book. Must be my own cheerleader. Today, I will write 5 pages. Go!!!
I will will never give up on me.
Three goals and 21 days. I can do it !!! Be not afraid. Roll up your sleeves and just do it.
Now is the time.
Discovery of my own failings: (1) I'm afraid. (2) Mission unclear.
Now this is acknowledged and refined -- took five days of the 21 but I am on my way.
Day 9 today. Mission is clearer.
Day 12 and I'm only at the outline.
Day 15 and I've done the outline. It looks good. I have about 60 pages of notes to sort and revise. Only 5 days to go. Augh!
Four days left now. Found out I am cancer free again for another year. Motivation. Sit and do it.
Interruptions today from things I must do for others. Must focus on doing for myself, too. Divide my time up.
Two days left. Nothing much done. Ugly feelings. What can be done in 2 days?
...I guess nothing can be done. I wasted 21 days. Tears. Must try again.
Here we go. This time 4 goals clearly marked on the calendar/day book. Must be my own cheerleader. Today, I will write 5 pages. Go!!!
I will will never give up on me.
The Depths
"The height of your accomplishments is determined
by the depth of your convictions."
by the depth of your convictions."
— William F. Scolavino: Adventurer & Photographer
So now I have high sites for my accomplishments and I have the lowest depth of ability to work, ever.
Why am I so tired? So lazy? So distracted? My head says conviction but my actions speak otherwise. And, this is not today or yesterday. This has gone on for 2 years now, ever since the cancer treatments ended.
I am going for help, again, today with this problem of, what I call, laziness. This is not the first time I have had to go for help for this but I do hope that it can change me. I have been helped by this person before but never for this particular problem. In fact, he failed to help me last recent time I went. Or, maybe I failed to recover from the laziness when I saw him. Either way, it was a failure and I am frozen in space and time.
However, my inner voice says I cannot give up. For that, at least, I am showing conviction. In faith.
The next week is a test of trying to use mindfulness each day to overcome my problem.
Day I - 6 pm and no luck thus far.
Day 2 - 9 pm and no luck thus far. It was a very rough couple of days with central issues. Tomorrow I am free of this problem and perhaps a change will occur.
Day 3 - no luck
Day 4 - no luck
Day 5 - this is not working
Day 6 - no luck
Day 7 - tba
However, my inner voice says I cannot give up. For that, at least, I am showing conviction. In faith.
The next week is a test of trying to use mindfulness each day to overcome my problem.
Day I - 6 pm and no luck thus far.
Day 2 - 9 pm and no luck thus far. It was a very rough couple of days with central issues. Tomorrow I am free of this problem and perhaps a change will occur.
Day 3 - no luck
Day 4 - no luck
Day 5 - this is not working
Day 6 - no luck
Day 7 - tba
Holding a Crystal in My Hand Today
"Without change, something sleeps inside us, and seldom awakens. The sleeper must awaken."
— Frank Herbert: American science fiction author
Something very good has happened to me. I will be told about it soon.So, today I will make change. I want to awaken from being poor and average, to truly explore my full potential. I will take my first step for change. Declare, say so, move toward the new me; the NOW me to whom debt is no longer a lifestyle. I follow the lead of my mentors, those in whom I succeed in their image.
I am happy, healthy, wealthy, and wise. I manifest money this week. I win millions from lottery winnings. I am holding a crystal that is doing that. I repeat my dream in my head and I have the right numbers. It is also the third wish time so wonderful, unexpected, beautiful surprises of luck happen to me today.
This is happening. I am very lucky. The crystal is helping me to focus this luck on abundance. It buys me time and it buys me my dreams. All are good thoughts and I am getting my dreams together with this help. All is going to work well for me now. Today, I am super + natural. Super from the Creator and my Natural or Nature born talents. Together they make be rise above the clouds and be the supernatural I am born to be.
The thought that the money has arrived makes my dreams of time to conquer my dreams possible. Luck from the lottery has come today.
My eyes are open to this infinite luck in money that is now here. I know how easy this is. I have a plan and a way of being. It is incredible how change comes with living thoughts.
The spell is now cast. February 28th is the big day. I will write, in my next post, about the "connections of even" that make this possible.
Money spells
Daily Inspirations
Sometimes a quote helps me make it through the day.
“Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.” - Dr. Seuss (Theodor Seuss Geisel)
This morning I began exercising again. Lost 65 pounds and gained back 30 in 4 months. It doesn't take much. The exercise that keeps it off was minimal. I just started with half an hour of movement. Today I walked and ran a bit. I'm sore from it on my right knee but I know that goes away by the next day so I'm going to keep walking and running a bit until I'm back to my old weight and I'm running 2 kms a day again.
If I do it every morning then it can be done. I've done it before and it makes me smile that I started again today.
“Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.” - Dr. Seuss (Theodor Seuss Geisel)
This morning I began exercising again. Lost 65 pounds and gained back 30 in 4 months. It doesn't take much. The exercise that keeps it off was minimal. I just started with half an hour of movement. Today I walked and ran a bit. I'm sore from it on my right knee but I know that goes away by the next day so I'm going to keep walking and running a bit until I'm back to my old weight and I'm running 2 kms a day again.
If I do it every morning then it can be done. I've done it before and it makes me smile that I started again today.
New Life . . . New Life . . . New Life
"To improve is to change; to be perfect is to change often."
— Winston Churchill: British politician
I am happy, healthy, wealthy, and wise. A big turn around happens now. My books become a huge success and my CDs are suddenly selling everywhere. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. A brand new start of it, right here, where my feet are planted. I'm going to make a better life for myself. From now on the focus is on the vision I have for this. I have a dream and each morning I meditate on this vision. I woke up this morning in the new skin.I published a children's book that I've wanted to create for a loooooooooooooooog time.
I longed to do this and now it is here. I am now working on the second book. Life is getting better.
Yes!
In fact, today I feel exceptionally lucky like I am going to win the big lottery. Indeed, I am winning the lottery.
Monkey Brain
Well, the first steps have begun. I finished writing my first book and have almost finished the second. The first book will be self-published in about the middle of April and the middle of May at the latest. I signed off on the final copy today. The second book is close to being done. All the information is written and put together for the designer. Now I will need to fuss with the second book for a bit before I send it in. The fussing part is agonizing but it is a necessary wait time. My monkey brain needs to figure out some things.
I was so upset with my monkey brain when it came to putting the first book together. I could not finish and could not get the details right then . . . bazinga . . . the whole thing fell into place after I read the book out loud to several children's groups and adults who teach. Yes, the first book is a children's book. So, is the second. I'm really glad that I let my monkey brain work on the second book, too, because both books are a lot better through letting this happen naturally.
Am I suffering from PCCI? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Post-chemotherapy_cognitive_impairment
I was so upset with my monkey brain when it came to putting the first book together. I could not finish and could not get the details right then . . . bazinga . . . the whole thing fell into place after I read the book out loud to several children's groups and adults who teach. Yes, the first book is a children's book. So, is the second. I'm really glad that I let my monkey brain work on the second book, too, because both books are a lot better through letting this happen naturally.
Am I suffering from PCCI? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Post-chemotherapy_cognitive_impairment
First Steps...Success Now!
"All healing is first a healing of the heart."
—Carl Townsend: American thinker and writer
The last 20 years; well, twenty 22 years, have been incredibly hard. I've been stressed out like never before. Felt it in my body very many times. The success of 1993 helped a bit and I was able to survive 94 and 95 despite disasters. Then came the success of 2001 and the survival of 2002, 2006, and 2012. Could hardly make it through the last 6 months. All those ups and down have been a lot to take, especially when now I have little to show for it all but a pension. Well, I do have a pension. Yeah!!! But that's not enough to stabilize my retirement so I can do the things I really want to do, and they are to realize my dream of being a fully engaged author, artist, and musician.
I've learned that you have to give up to get. You have to spend to make. You pay yourself first and that doesn't mean putting money in savings as some people think it is. You have to get financially literate by hanging out with the financially literate.
You have to have something to sell and you have to sell it. I have done my first item to sell. I wrote my first book and it will be out at about the middle of February. This is the first step. Success cannot wait another 20 years. Success now!
Count Down Clock
I have been waiting to do things. Waiting 20 years. Even more if I look at my journals from 20 years ago. It was that I accomplished my last journal goal about that time. I then went on do to another but everything unravelled after that. It may be better to set a smaller goal. Do a small chunk like - what happens for the next 6 days as I work toward one of my main goals? So today is the day before the six days begin. I have three goals: (1) I want to get caught up with my marking. (2) to complete two chapters that finish my first edited book. (3) complete e-drawing for children's book. Six days - I begin tomorrow and will check in every day. Go!
Day 1 - did mark 3 papers and looked over all that needs to be done. Pulled out chapters and set up to complete final 2 chapters that need to be written. Also scanned all photos in the children's book. Good job!!
Day 2 -Not bad. I took the scanned in photos and tried to convert them to drawings. Did some marking and handed it back. Got ready for Monday. Scanning is not going to work. Must just draw. Do it!!!
Day 3 - Worked at office job for 16 hours today. Got none of my own stuff done but did feel that I could do that soon.
Day 4 - Did nothing but install the programs for doing the artwork and then inked in 2 drawings. I'm not happy with my results. I looked over Wimpy Kid pictures. Don't like that for my book. Experimented with photos. Decided to make COACH, Kids book, and marking my priorities this week.
ONLINE COUNTDOWNS
COUNTDOWN WIDGETS
Day 1 - did mark 3 papers and looked over all that needs to be done. Pulled out chapters and set up to complete final 2 chapters that need to be written. Also scanned all photos in the children's book. Good job!!
Day 2 -Not bad. I took the scanned in photos and tried to convert them to drawings. Did some marking and handed it back. Got ready for Monday. Scanning is not going to work. Must just draw. Do it!!!
Day 3 - Worked at office job for 16 hours today. Got none of my own stuff done but did feel that I could do that soon.
Day 4 - Did nothing but install the programs for doing the artwork and then inked in 2 drawings. I'm not happy with my results. I looked over Wimpy Kid pictures. Don't like that for my book. Experimented with photos. Decided to make COACH, Kids book, and marking my priorities this week.
ONLINE COUNTDOWNS
COUNTDOWN WIDGETS
New Choices
I now make new choices. I now make a new life for myself. This experience with cancer has changed how I look at life. The choices and new life that it created were not good enough for my liking. Instead, I needed to re-imagine my life. This new life is about creating, writing, singing; essentially doing all the things that are an expression of me. This was the right choice from the beginning. I just had to find it in my head and heart.
The thoughts of the past needed to be reorganized and thoughts of the future needed to be redirected. I think they are now. I am lucky. Lucky me. I do not have mounds of things to change, just one. Me.
The thoughts of the past needed to be reorganized and thoughts of the future needed to be redirected. I think they are now. I am lucky. Lucky me. I do not have mounds of things to change, just one. Me.
My Best Friend
"Of one thing I am certain, the body is not the measure of healing, peace is the measure."
—Phyllis McGinley: Pulitzer Prize winning American author of children's books and poetry
Today I had my coffee with the boys at the Sals and then went to work on my personal projects. After that I decided to get some lunch at Robinson McNally Booksellers and there a woman across the room looked familiar. She looked at me and finally came over to talk. She was my best friend from high school's, cousin-in-law. (Yes, this is possible.)She had news for me. My best friend had been in the slave lake fire, lost everything, her husband lost his job and she had lung cancer. It was horrible news.
I called my friend and she was not at home.
Well, she actually answered my phone call tonight...two weeks later. I was happy to know that despite a fire burning her house, her husband losing his job, her mother's husband dying, her mother having (sounds like) dementia, her son going back to school, her husband getting a new job, and both of them moving to a new town for this work; she is still in good spirits. And, oh yes, she had been diagnosed with cancer and she had an operation and chemo... No radiation. It was lung cancer and there is a seventeen percent chance of living after that. Well, she sounds very positive and I can tell that she is part of the 17 percent. It came after pneumonia or something that looked like pneumonia.
Glad she is okay.
Didn't tell her about my troubles.
Success Now
I am asking the Universe for success now. Success now.
I will search this in a quantum leap. I visited with one of my dopplegangers, a positive one more successful than I, from another dimension this morning during my regular meditation. She was on the regular park bench reading in the usual sacred space that I visit. She usually ignores me but I persist in asking for her advice and inviting her to take my place for a day. She finally agreed to do this next Wednesday. The thing that changed her mind was when I gave her a specific need. I wanted her to draw for me on Wednesday, in order to show me how she made lots of money as an artist through drawing.
It will be an interesting day as she comes into my real life and takes over that piece for the day. I've made room to give her the entire day. I hope she enjoys it. I am certainly looking forward to her drawings and to see how she is going to change my financial life all in one day. She has been so much more successful in her dimension than I in this one so learning through her will be a financial relief in this dimension.
I am now the doppleganger. Happy, Healthy, Wealthy, and Wise.
I will search this in a quantum leap. I visited with one of my dopplegangers, a positive one more successful than I, from another dimension this morning during my regular meditation. She was on the regular park bench reading in the usual sacred space that I visit. She usually ignores me but I persist in asking for her advice and inviting her to take my place for a day. She finally agreed to do this next Wednesday. The thing that changed her mind was when I gave her a specific need. I wanted her to draw for me on Wednesday, in order to show me how she made lots of money as an artist through drawing.
It will be an interesting day as she comes into my real life and takes over that piece for the day. I've made room to give her the entire day. I hope she enjoys it. I am certainly looking forward to her drawings and to see how she is going to change my financial life all in one day. She has been so much more successful in her dimension than I in this one so learning through her will be a financial relief in this dimension.
I am now the doppleganger. Happy, Healthy, Wealthy, and Wise.
I Asked for a Sign
I asked the universe to show me a sign about what I should do because I
knew I really shouldn't be going back to work right away after my cancer
trauma. I thought the money was the sign. In my state of grief following cancer treatments I had decided that I could go back to work and that
it would be the best thing for me since I would take home $1800 less per
month by not going to work. The decision was hard but I thought it was best considering that $10000 that would be lost and I sure could use that to pay off my mortgage. On top of that, the money would get me to retirement earlier. Or would it?
On Friday last week we had a memorial service for our dean. He died suddenly. Some think a brain tumor and others, well, they're just speculating. We'll likely never know because the family wants to keep it private. I couldn't go to the memorial service. I was too sad. He was a week short of his 60th birthday. Me, I'm 57 and I was wondering then if $10000 was such a big price to pay for having time to heal.
In the midst of my vacillation I looked for ways to cope. To keep my spirits up I had decided to implement a daily social time routine. I found a bit of social time every morning at a restaurant down the street since I went back to work. I have gone there every day for the past 4 months. I write on my iPad, drink coffee and have my one egg, one sausage, and a piece of lettuce. I tip well and I have found a lot of friends in the place. Yesterday I couldn't go because I had to get to work early. Meantime, two people were shot in the restaurant. One is in critical condition and the other is dead. I might have been there.
Were those my signs?
On Friday last week we had a memorial service for our dean. He died suddenly. Some think a brain tumor and others, well, they're just speculating. We'll likely never know because the family wants to keep it private. I couldn't go to the memorial service. I was too sad. He was a week short of his 60th birthday. Me, I'm 57 and I was wondering then if $10000 was such a big price to pay for having time to heal.
In the midst of my vacillation I looked for ways to cope. To keep my spirits up I had decided to implement a daily social time routine. I found a bit of social time every morning at a restaurant down the street since I went back to work. I have gone there every day for the past 4 months. I write on my iPad, drink coffee and have my one egg, one sausage, and a piece of lettuce. I tip well and I have found a lot of friends in the place. Yesterday I couldn't go because I had to get to work early. Meantime, two people were shot in the restaurant. One is in critical condition and the other is dead. I might have been there.
Were those my signs?
Better Times Ahead
Today I end my procrastination. Tomorrow I will wake to my routine of running in the morning and then I will complete my course outlines so I can move ahead with prepping materials. I am ending the procrastination that seems to have helped me cope. I am now coping and I can move on. My need to be a perfectionist keeps me going slow but I can speed up a bit by remembering that I can procrastinate later. LOL!
As I draw closer to $1000000 so that I can be more self sufficient I remind myself to keep my goal out front and private. The money will come. Will come. Is here.
As I draw closer to $1000000 so that I can be more self sufficient I remind myself to keep my goal out front and private. The money will come. Will come. Is here.
Changing My Mind
I have a new manifesto today:
- Change. I will keep three hours for myself everyday. These three hours will be for relaxing, exercising, journaling, and planning. Put myself in theta state. Use a focus point. Meditate.
- Sell. I will improve my financial situation by the end of the summer, 2012. This goal means that I will provide a way to make a mere $100,000.00 in this short time. I will do this easily and effortlessly. The way to making this money will be through a passive income. Utilize my current skills and talents to put forth something saleable into the World.
- Enjoy. I will focus; that is, I will work at things that I enjoy. This goal means that writing, singing, and art will be at the top of my "work" agenda. This will make things easy because these are my gifts and I am here to do these things. I already have a room that reflects those values.
- Love. I will widen my social circle and be able to love again. This goals means being open to opportunity and to receiving love.
Doing Something Good for my Brain
I think I'll learn how to code. Code Academy looks like a great place to learn just that. http://www.codecademy.com/#!/exercises/4
I have a new life as of this 1 day. Learning to code and learning to speak Mandarin are my new learning goals. As well I will learn to write daily. I have learned to meditate and exercise every day. Now the new challenge will make my life. Day 1. I will respond at the end of the day to check on my new goal.
End of Day 1: I ended Day 1 knowing that I have written two pages of my book on my cancer experience. A psychologist read it and said it was good. I also ran for half an hour, meditated, and worked on my CV. This was a great Day 1. At the end of it all I set goals for Day 2, 3, and 4.
End of Day 2: This did not go so well. I did my usual routine but failed to complete two pages of my writing. I did write a couple of sentences however and Day 3 will be much better since I do not have meetings all day.
End of Day 3: ...in progress.
NOTHING. I did nothing until Day 10. Today is Day 10 and I am finally doing something.
I have a new life as of this 1 day. Learning to code and learning to speak Mandarin are my new learning goals. As well I will learn to write daily. I have learned to meditate and exercise every day. Now the new challenge will make my life. Day 1. I will respond at the end of the day to check on my new goal.
End of Day 1: I ended Day 1 knowing that I have written two pages of my book on my cancer experience. A psychologist read it and said it was good. I also ran for half an hour, meditated, and worked on my CV. This was a great Day 1. At the end of it all I set goals for Day 2, 3, and 4.
End of Day 2: This did not go so well. I did my usual routine but failed to complete two pages of my writing. I did write a couple of sentences however and Day 3 will be much better since I do not have meetings all day.
End of Day 3: ...in progress.
NOTHING. I did nothing until Day 10. Today is Day 10 and I am finally doing something.
Robin Gibb Died Yesterday
On May 20, 2012 Robin Gibb died. I listened to Stayin' Alive day after day when I was at my worst cancer treatment times. Yet, I had no idea that Robin was going through the same kind of thing. For some reason I've been crying ever since I heard this news. Don't know why. Maybe this all has something to do with PTSD.
Hallelujah!
It is Thursday. I am getting a new bathtub for my house. I've been back at work for more than a week. My pay will finally be resolved tomorrow. I tackled my first big work problem with grace and skill. Things are back to normalish.
Something different happened this week though. I got a call on Monday from my surgeon that my mammogram was completely clear. The news was great because the week before the technician rechecked my mammogram stating that something was there. Tuesday, my cardiologist told me that my blood work looked great and I would not have to see him for a year. Wednesday, my GP told me that all was good on my high blood pressure.
Hallelujah, hallelujah. Hallelujah, hallelujah. Hallelujah!!!!!!!!!!
Things may be back to normalish but I have changed. I am well. When people greet me and say how are you, I respond, "I am well. How are you?" Here's a wonderful video to sum up how I feel today . . . like singing.
watch?v=ERbvKrH-GC4
Something different happened this week though. I got a call on Monday from my surgeon that my mammogram was completely clear. The news was great because the week before the technician rechecked my mammogram stating that something was there. Tuesday, my cardiologist told me that my blood work looked great and I would not have to see him for a year. Wednesday, my GP told me that all was good on my high blood pressure.
Hallelujah, hallelujah. Hallelujah, hallelujah. Hallelujah!!!!!!!!!!
Things may be back to normalish but I have changed. I am well. When people greet me and say how are you, I respond, "I am well. How are you?" Here's a wonderful video to sum up how I feel today . . . like singing.
Now Back at Work
The freak show began. I look so different from the time before the cancer treatments that most people did not recognize me. People often have to take a second look before recognizing me. Sometimes they stand next to me and do not know that I am a long-time colleague of theirs until I speak. Everyone is surprised by my looks. They remember my voice.
I see that I might not get paid. It bothers me that I have to spend such a lot of time making sure that the benefits are covered, that the notices are done and still there is no money coming from either side. Last month I borrowed $2600 just in case something happened. Good thing. I needed it to carry me over. I may have to do that again. For everyone else. Save up for a rainy day. I didn't because I put it all into debt repayment. Pay yourself as well as pay off the debt.
Good news? Well, my cancer drugs are now fully covered outside of my plan so there is room for other things. That came through in the new budget.
I see that I might not get paid. It bothers me that I have to spend such a lot of time making sure that the benefits are covered, that the notices are done and still there is no money coming from either side. Last month I borrowed $2600 just in case something happened. Good thing. I needed it to carry me over. I may have to do that again. For everyone else. Save up for a rainy day. I didn't because I put it all into debt repayment. Pay yourself as well as pay off the debt.
Good news? Well, my cancer drugs are now fully covered outside of my plan so there is room for other things. That came through in the new budget.
Scared to Return to Work
Next week I return to work full time. Only today have I started to feel well again. My toenails are still falling off and I have some brain fog left. It's now 7.5 months of leave but 12 months of treatments. I'm a completely different person than I was 12 months ago. My skin, my body, my hair, my life . . . all changed. I'm actually scared to return to work. I don't know how to do it. Most of the time I have been completely out of it during this cancer treatment so being normal when I am completely changed is going to be a new start. What to expect?
- Some will be angry that I was away. They might think I was on "holidays" since some see sick leave as a break. Yeah, the break no one wants, I say!
- Some will still think I'm sick and avoid me.
- Others will look forward to loading me back up with work.
The unknown is scary. What I do know is that I cannot get into the stress cycle I was in before. I know I had a break down and just kept working. Never again.
Now I must plan my future. Plan my now.
- Some will be angry that I was away. They might think I was on "holidays" since some see sick leave as a break. Yeah, the break no one wants, I say!
- Some will still think I'm sick and avoid me.
- Others will look forward to loading me back up with work.
The unknown is scary. What I do know is that I cannot get into the stress cycle I was in before. I know I had a break down and just kept working. Never again.
Now I must plan my future. Plan my now.
Doubts and Deceptions
Looking back on the cancer treatments and what I'm going through now taking a drug for five years, I wonder, "Was it all worth it?" I started to investigate this. I can across this film and I think you should watch it. I believe that it pays to be skeptical. http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2011/06/11/burzynski-the-movie.aspx
I believe it pays to be skeptical but not an idiot, too. I don't believe in absolutes.
Treatments I received were well thought out and I received excellent care from my surgeon, oncologist and radiologist. I've heard some bad stories about others' experiences. During this time of treatment and recovery you will want to read a lot, think about a lot, and try to remain level headed about everything that comes your way. Relax.
To life!
I believe it pays to be skeptical but not an idiot, too. I don't believe in absolutes.
Treatments I received were well thought out and I received excellent care from my surgeon, oncologist and radiologist. I've heard some bad stories about others' experiences. During this time of treatment and recovery you will want to read a lot, think about a lot, and try to remain level headed about everything that comes your way. Relax.
To life!
A Month of Letrozol
It has now been a month of Letrozole. I've felt a bit more adjusted and not tied so much to the toilet. There has been no weight loss though and I am working hard on that. I wonder why I cannot lose another 10 pounds. I am still ten pounds into the overweight category. People that know me think I am of good weight but it's not up to them to decide if I should lose or not. I know that ten pounds will make the difference.
Exercise is not something I seem able to commit to. I've tried so much over the years to commit to something but nothing works. I just continue to spend money on the idea and never get into action.
Eating less seems to work for me but lately the scale should be going down and it isn't.
What to do next? I don't know. This same can't lose the weight scenario happened last month. I wasn't able to break 170 and then suddenly ten pounds came off. I hope the same works here as well. I may try a water fast.
Exercise is not something I seem able to commit to. I've tried so much over the years to commit to something but nothing works. I just continue to spend money on the idea and never get into action.
Eating less seems to work for me but lately the scale should be going down and it isn't.
What to do next? I don't know. This same can't lose the weight scenario happened last month. I wasn't able to break 170 and then suddenly ten pounds came off. I hope the same works here as well. I may try a water fast.
19 Days of Letrozole
Here's a surprise. After just 17 days of Letrozole, I started to feel strange. I could not sleep and I began to have diarrhea. I suddenly lost 5 pounds in three days. At first I thought that this was from the carrots I had the evening before. No it wasn't. Anyway, I had decided that I would try to get all my drugs coordinated through my GP and had fortunately made an appointment with him the week before. He scheduled my regular blood test and bingo, the next week he called me to change my thyroid medication. I had gone from hypothyroid to hyperthyroid. After going to the doctor to pick up a new prescription, I then began looking up the conditions of hyperthyroid and yes, I had them all.
This was an unexpected event and I do not how it will change over time. Looks like I'm going to lose those 20 pounds no matter what. I hope I can finally get some rest at night soon. Hyperthyroidism is not a lot of fun.
Good advice for all of you who are finished breast cancer treatments and are now starting your five-year drug regime. . . see your doctor and have your blood tested a month into taking the drug. You might find that your regular drugs need adjustment. Take charge of your own health!
This was an unexpected event and I do not how it will change over time. Looks like I'm going to lose those 20 pounds no matter what. I hope I can finally get some rest at night soon. Hyperthyroidism is not a lot of fun.
Good advice for all of you who are finished breast cancer treatments and are now starting your five-year drug regime. . . see your doctor and have your blood tested a month into taking the drug. You might find that your regular drugs need adjustment. Take charge of your own health!
12 Days of Letrozole
I have now completed ten days of Letrozol after chemo and radiation. Yes, there are a few side-effects. I do feel hot every so often. It is not like a true hot flash but it is a bit sweaty for a few minutes maybe once every 2 days. Second, I had one dizzy spell and had to sit down. Other than that my symptoms are negligible.
My weight has not gone down even though I am eating about 1200 calories a day. I am not completely sedentary right now but I am not particularly active.
My goal is to lose 20 pounds more. I would like to do that right away but it is not realistic since I have stayed at the same weight for over 3 weeks. Twenty pounds doesn't seem like a lot now that I've lost 60. I tried to do some exercise but I'm just not able to make myself do anything daily. What will be the way to 20 pounds weight loss? Think . . .
My weight has not gone down even though I am eating about 1200 calories a day. I am not completely sedentary right now but I am not particularly active.
My goal is to lose 20 pounds more. I would like to do that right away but it is not realistic since I have stayed at the same weight for over 3 weeks. Twenty pounds doesn't seem like a lot now that I've lost 60. I tried to do some exercise but I'm just not able to make myself do anything daily. What will be the way to 20 pounds weight loss? Think . . .
Letrozole versus Tamoxafin
The next five years are now about being tested and taking Letrozole. Good grief.
Well, I looked this up and the first response was that Letrozole is used as a drug to help fertility (See pages on this blog for additional articles). That seemed to make me feel better. If its good for making one fertile then it can't be all bad. The next items I read were about the research done on Letrozole versus Tamoxafin. Now, I had been convinced that Tamosafin was the drug that I would be taking but now that I see the comparison research, I am convinced that Letrozole is a better drug for me to take. The results show better results for my type, less incidence of returning cancer, and less side effects.
Thus far, after 8 days of Letrozole, I have experienced one incident of lack of ability to stand similar to that of lack of potassium, tiredness, and some pimples. I don't think that pimples are related but that is what I experienced so there must be some reason. I could attribute the pimples to the return of my hair. Perhaps the hair coming out gets doubled up in the pores. I hope that this drug will not have many more side effects.
Well, I looked this up and the first response was that Letrozole is used as a drug to help fertility (See pages on this blog for additional articles). That seemed to make me feel better. If its good for making one fertile then it can't be all bad. The next items I read were about the research done on Letrozole versus Tamoxafin. Now, I had been convinced that Tamosafin was the drug that I would be taking but now that I see the comparison research, I am convinced that Letrozole is a better drug for me to take. The results show better results for my type, less incidence of returning cancer, and less side effects.
Thus far, after 8 days of Letrozole, I have experienced one incident of lack of ability to stand similar to that of lack of potassium, tiredness, and some pimples. I don't think that pimples are related but that is what I experienced so there must be some reason. I could attribute the pimples to the return of my hair. Perhaps the hair coming out gets doubled up in the pores. I hope that this drug will not have many more side effects.
Chemo and Radiation are Over. Now what?
Surgery, chemo and radiation are all over now. Next, I will be taking an anti estrogen drug for about five years. I wonder how that will affect my libido. Nonetheless, the journey of eight months is over and I feel somewhat lost. I don't know how I will be feeling over the next three months but I suspect that getting back on track at work will be a bit difficult. Therefore, today I will change my path.
Today is the first of the 21 day change that I am putting in place. My goals over the next 21 days are to lose another 20 pounds, to write a book, and to plan my CD. This will take me to the 10th of February and I believe that these three things will change my life for the better. I want to make an extra $300000 dollars this year and I think that these three goals will get me there.
Today is the first of the 21 day change that I am putting in place. My goals over the next 21 days are to lose another 20 pounds, to write a book, and to plan my CD. This will take me to the 10th of February and I believe that these three things will change my life for the better. I want to make an extra $300000 dollars this year and I think that these three goals will get me there.
Radiation Day 25
Radiation is almost over. There are only five days to go and they are the boost phase. A boost is when radiation only targets the area where the surgery was done, on the breast in this case.
Two boost treatments are this week and three are next week. That will conclude 6 weeks of radiation. I was terrified of radiation but it has been less painful than I had expected. I have babied myself with extra sleep and good nutrition.
I am red on my back and front. My skin is basically dry to the touch despite multiple applications of Glaxyl and Polysporin creams. The redness is even except for some scaly bumps. The bumps scale off when rubbed or when cream is applied.
I intend to lose 20 more pounds in the next 4-8 weeks. I have been losing a pound a week since the end of chemo but I think that an extended water fast may help me out here. It might detoxify my body and in the process, cause me to have better eating habits than simply relying on Ensure. Today, I read that this product is not much more than a sugar drink. My goal is to avoid sugar as much as possible so avoiding a sugary drink will train my taste buds away from that habit.
Two boost treatments are this week and three are next week. That will conclude 6 weeks of radiation. I was terrified of radiation but it has been less painful than I had expected. I have babied myself with extra sleep and good nutrition.
I am red on my back and front. My skin is basically dry to the touch despite multiple applications of Glaxyl and Polysporin creams. The redness is even except for some scaly bumps. The bumps scale off when rubbed or when cream is applied.
I intend to lose 20 more pounds in the next 4-8 weeks. I have been losing a pound a week since the end of chemo but I think that an extended water fast may help me out here. It might detoxify my body and in the process, cause me to have better eating habits than simply relying on Ensure. Today, I read that this product is not much more than a sugar drink. My goal is to avoid sugar as much as possible so avoiding a sugary drink will train my taste buds away from that habit.
Radiation Reactions after 22 treatments
Well, today is the 9th day before I end radiation treatments. Yahoo but owee! Only 3 treatments ago I began to see red on my chest and around my neck. I kept thinking that I was developing some pimples on my back, maybe from sleeping more than normal, but the radiation nurses insisted that these were from radiation itself. So, more Polysporin and Glaxl later, the lesions began to bleed while I was in bed. I keep Polysporin cream by my bed to keep down infection. The doctor will see me next treatment so I'm going to ask him about the redness on my back. Will it get worse? Probably.
On the other hand, I am less and less tired. I don't know why that is. Everyone predicted that tiredness would be a very strong reaction to radiation but it has not been so for me.
Neither has the redness or bleeding kept me awake. I just seem to have a lot of energy. I have chosen to use the hospital stairs lately rather than the elevator. I even feel a bit inclined to do a bit of writing.
During the weeks of treatment I only lost ten pounds. I had hoped that it would be more but the scale refuses to go beyond ten pounds. Well, that's better than nothing but it does not take me into my goal weight of 150 pounds. I hope to reach that but the end of January now that I have had to reset my target date.
On the other hand, I am less and less tired. I don't know why that is. Everyone predicted that tiredness would be a very strong reaction to radiation but it has not been so for me.
Neither has the redness or bleeding kept me awake. I just seem to have a lot of energy. I have chosen to use the hospital stairs lately rather than the elevator. I even feel a bit inclined to do a bit of writing.
During the weeks of treatment I only lost ten pounds. I had hoped that it would be more but the scale refuses to go beyond ten pounds. Well, that's better than nothing but it does not take me into my goal weight of 150 pounds. I hope to reach that but the end of January now that I have had to reset my target date.
Considering a Water Fast
A lot of websites recommend a water fast for breast cancer. I've been wondering about this for a few months and decided that I might try it starting tomorrow. Now that I'm into the last 10 days of my radiation and the chemo is over, this might be a good time to try it.
Weight Loss and Cancer Treatments
Immediately after starting chemo, I began to feel very ill. I began to eat my favourite sugar filled foods to maintain interest in food. Soon I was unable to eat these things because my taste for them diminished. In 5 days, I was not interested in food at all. I drank a lot of water because I was very dry. It dawned on me that, because I was mostly bedridden, that I would soon become very weak. Therefore, I had a friend get me some meal replacements. She came back with Ensure.
No solid food for weeks. I was only able to ingest Ensure during the first month of chemotherapy. So, for the first month, I was basically on an Ensure diet, trying out and spitting out all solid food. Despite the anti-nausia pills, I was unable to keep down anything solid. Finally at the end of the first month, I was able to eat a handful of vegetables and one piece of protein. Mostly, this was at lunch when I would have a green salad with not dressing and one small piece of chicken or a hard-boiled egg. It felt good to have these solid items because I was worried that I was not getting proper nutrition at a time when I needed it more than ever.
Weight loss. At the end of the first month I had lost 20 pounds. This was not significant considering how little I had been eating. I was happy to lose slowly and to know that Ensure was keeping me alert and satisfied. From that time until the end of the fourth treatment/month, I lost 50 pounds in total. By the end of those four months, I had turned my diet into an Ensure breakfast, red/green/orange veggies and 1 piece of protein (hard-boiled egg or chicken finger) for lunch, and Ensure for supper.
Now that chemo is over for now and radiation has started, I have continued to lose weight by being slightly more active and adhering to the same diet. I've now lost 65 pounds. Some people that have known me for a long time don't recognize me at first. I'm still in the overweight BMI category for now but in 15 pounds I will break that barrier. It makes me feel good to do that. I have wanted to lose this weight for a long time, well before the cancer, and knowing that I am close to being out of the overweight category is wonderful. In the midst of a disease that is so depressing, weight loss has been something positive. My blood pressure has gone from dangerous to normal, I can cross my legs for the first time in years, and I have a waist.
No solid food for weeks. I was only able to ingest Ensure during the first month of chemotherapy. So, for the first month, I was basically on an Ensure diet, trying out and spitting out all solid food. Despite the anti-nausia pills, I was unable to keep down anything solid. Finally at the end of the first month, I was able to eat a handful of vegetables and one piece of protein. Mostly, this was at lunch when I would have a green salad with not dressing and one small piece of chicken or a hard-boiled egg. It felt good to have these solid items because I was worried that I was not getting proper nutrition at a time when I needed it more than ever.
Weight loss. At the end of the first month I had lost 20 pounds. This was not significant considering how little I had been eating. I was happy to lose slowly and to know that Ensure was keeping me alert and satisfied. From that time until the end of the fourth treatment/month, I lost 50 pounds in total. By the end of those four months, I had turned my diet into an Ensure breakfast, red/green/orange veggies and 1 piece of protein (hard-boiled egg or chicken finger) for lunch, and Ensure for supper.
Now that chemo is over for now and radiation has started, I have continued to lose weight by being slightly more active and adhering to the same diet. I've now lost 65 pounds. Some people that have known me for a long time don't recognize me at first. I'm still in the overweight BMI category for now but in 15 pounds I will break that barrier. It makes me feel good to do that. I have wanted to lose this weight for a long time, well before the cancer, and knowing that I am close to being out of the overweight category is wonderful. In the midst of a disease that is so depressing, weight loss has been something positive. My blood pressure has gone from dangerous to normal, I can cross my legs for the first time in years, and I have a waist.
Making My Motivation
I sit here waiting and hoping that I can motivate myself... to do anything. I want to move for 20-30 minutes a day. I want to clean the rest of my house. I want to finish the books I am writing. I want to launch my business website. Why can't I make my motivation? No one else is going to do this for me.
I study motivation books and I read materials to get started on all these goals but nothing changes. I continue to stall. I write the list of must do and I continue to extend the deadline.
I cannot blame the cancer for my lack of ability to make my motivation. Instead, I will just do it. I feel anger building. Perhaps there is a purpose for anger.
To solve these problems I may research EFT tonight.
I study motivation books and I read materials to get started on all these goals but nothing changes. I continue to stall. I write the list of must do and I continue to extend the deadline.
I cannot blame the cancer for my lack of ability to make my motivation. Instead, I will just do it. I feel anger building. Perhaps there is a purpose for anger.
To solve these problems I may research EFT tonight.
Fifteen Days of Radiation
Well, the pinkishness of my skin is evident. Though I use Glaxol, the skin is like it was when I was taking Taxotere for chemo. All the locations where the radiation is focused are patches of pink, like a rash. I have 4 days off for the weekend and the two holidays that radiation operators get. That might help to heel the skin before going back for my last 15 treatments. I am surprised that the pinkishness is so patchy. I had thought it would be even, like a sunburn.
My last fingernail fell off today. They were affected by the chemo. I was surprised to find that the fingernail situation appeared at the same time as my 4th chemo treatment. The fingernails began to fall off one by one exactly a month later, to the day. During the same month, all 10 nails fell off. It will be another month before the indentations grow out and my nails return to normal.
My eyebrows and eyelashes began to grow back 50 days after my final chemo treatment. Now 60 days after chemo my head hair is growing back. It looks a bit darker than it was before chemo. I imagine that I will have a short head of hair between now and 30 days.
My last fingernail fell off today. They were affected by the chemo. I was surprised to find that the fingernail situation appeared at the same time as my 4th chemo treatment. The fingernails began to fall off one by one exactly a month later, to the day. During the same month, all 10 nails fell off. It will be another month before the indentations grow out and my nails return to normal.
My eyebrows and eyelashes began to grow back 50 days after my final chemo treatment. Now 60 days after chemo my head hair is growing back. It looks a bit darker than it was before chemo. I imagine that I will have a short head of hair between now and 30 days.
13 Days of Radiation: 17 to Go
I finished my 13th day of radiation today. I am not that tired as others have described and I am not pinkish thus far. Things are going well and I am hoping that the Christmas break of 4 days will actually help keep my body from succumbing to the side effects described in the literature on radiation.
In the middle of the radiation session, I decided to move my hand to take the gown off my neck. I thought long about doing this and tried to do it between radiation shots. Well, they stopped the procedure and came in to check on my position. Seems that if you even move slightly, they have to start the positioning over again. I won't do that again. Next day, I'll make sure the gown is off my neck before they leave the room to start the procedure. I have no idea if they are accurate in the first place. I can only hope that a team approach keeps them all honest.
For fun, I bought the radiation staff some Christmas goodies, Lifesavers (appropriate message) and KitKat (for those who don't like Lifesavers. They have all been gracious and kind to me.
In the middle of the radiation session, I decided to move my hand to take the gown off my neck. I thought long about doing this and tried to do it between radiation shots. Well, they stopped the procedure and came in to check on my position. Seems that if you even move slightly, they have to start the positioning over again. I won't do that again. Next day, I'll make sure the gown is off my neck before they leave the room to start the procedure. I have no idea if they are accurate in the first place. I can only hope that a team approach keeps them all honest.
For fun, I bought the radiation staff some Christmas goodies, Lifesavers (appropriate message) and KitKat (for those who don't like Lifesavers. They have all been gracious and kind to me.
Seven Days of Radiation
There is a slight feeling of tenderness now. With Glaxol skin cream there is no overt change in skin texture but I feel that something has changed. I am tired now. More so than the first week. I sleep for 9 hours and appear to need a sleep during the afternoon. Some days, like today, I go to sleep for half an hour. Other days, I stay up tired and wait until evening to sleep. I have no ambition but I think I can change that with self hypnosis. Why waste this time off doing absolutely nothing but healing the body when the mind could be healed as well?
It is now six weeks since my final chemo and I see a bit of hair growing back. I am taking photos of my bald self tomorrow. Bought a good background cloth and set up my digital camera on a tripod. I'm ready to do these tomorrow.
It is now six weeks since my final chemo and I see a bit of hair growing back. I am taking photos of my bald self tomorrow. Bought a good background cloth and set up my digital camera on a tripod. I'm ready to do these tomorrow.
Radiation Ready
Radiation is terrifying but you should know that you do not have side-effects for a few days. The treatment is cumulative; so, into the end of the second week you begin to show signs of fatigue and skin change. Sometimes the area can become black and blue like a large bruise. Sometimes one is so fatigued that merely mustering up the energy to eat and go to the appointments seems like a chore. These after effects go on for a few weeks after the treatment as well. Expect that going back to work will be difficult, so allow some healing time. The treatment does not show as much on the outside as it is affecting your body on the inside.
One might also expect that the end of treatment cycles will also be a problem. The emotions signal an ending to something that has now become part of who you are. Will anyone care about you after all this is over? Hopefully you have not distanced yourself from all your friends during the treatments cycles and you can rebuild the life you had before the treatments.
One might also expect that the end of treatment cycles will also be a problem. The emotions signal an ending to something that has now become part of who you are. Will anyone care about you after all this is over? Hopefully you have not distanced yourself from all your friends during the treatments cycles and you can rebuild the life you had before the treatments.
Eyelashes Falling Out and More!
It has been nearly 3 weeks since my last chemo. My eyelashes and eyebrows have started falling out. After losing my hair on my head the first week of chemo, I am surprised to lose my eyelashes and eyebrows three weeks after chemo. Certainly I had not read about this until it happened but if you look up "cancer eyelashes falling out" on a search engine then you will see many women experience the same phenomena.
Fortunately I have previous experience with putting on false eyelashes and it is my back up along with drawing in my eyebrows and wearing a wig. However, right now, I think I'll just draw in my eyeliner with mascara and forget about the eyelashes. I bought a wig with long bangs and it hides the problems. People don't seem to notice my eyelashes are gone when I wear mascara. People don't seem to care as well because they are remarking on my weight loss - 55 pounds. It changed my face so much that it is the first thing they notice. Do I really care what they notice? No, I care that I get better and feel normal.
It is more than eyelashes falling out, too. My thumb nail fell off today. I see that all my fingernails will eventually fall off. The thumb hurts so bad right now and it started to bleed. I put a band aide on it. Much better. You can see the day the chemo ended on my nails. A large dent is in the nail between chemo and no chemo. After the dent there is a nail that is on top of my regular nail. It looks like an artificial nail glued to my nail. It has air under it in some places. That's how the thumbnail fell off, the air space just got larger and larger. Finally a bump making lunch took the nail off. Ouch! Is there anyone out there who experienced the same?
Fortunately I have previous experience with putting on false eyelashes and it is my back up along with drawing in my eyebrows and wearing a wig. However, right now, I think I'll just draw in my eyeliner with mascara and forget about the eyelashes. I bought a wig with long bangs and it hides the problems. People don't seem to notice my eyelashes are gone when I wear mascara. People don't seem to care as well because they are remarking on my weight loss - 55 pounds. It changed my face so much that it is the first thing they notice. Do I really care what they notice? No, I care that I get better and feel normal.
It is more than eyelashes falling out, too. My thumb nail fell off today. I see that all my fingernails will eventually fall off. The thumb hurts so bad right now and it started to bleed. I put a band aide on it. Much better. You can see the day the chemo ended on my nails. A large dent is in the nail between chemo and no chemo. After the dent there is a nail that is on top of my regular nail. It looks like an artificial nail glued to my nail. It has air under it in some places. That's how the thumbnail fell off, the air space just got larger and larger. Finally a bump making lunch took the nail off. Ouch! Is there anyone out there who experienced the same?
Yoga and Breast Cancer Radiation
I have been wondering how to ease my anxiety during radiation. Today I found a very interesting article about this http://www.emaxhealth.com/1506/51/34310/yoga-benefits-cancer-patients.html and it has inspired me to try yoga. The yoga venue I am considering is only a half a block away. I had wanted to try it out last year before I knew about the breast cancer but now I am seeking ways to reduce stress. This might be the right thing for me. I am worried a bit because this is hot yoga and not just regular yoga. I can start and see how it feels before radiation. Maybe I'll have to transfer to a regular yoga program but at least I will have an idea before radiation begins.
The instructors at the hot yoga facility are Certified Bikram Hatha Yoga instructors. I found http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bikram_Choudhury information on this type of yoga. Other types of yoga include those on this list: http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-68/Different-Types-of-Yoga.html
The instructors at the hot yoga facility are Certified Bikram Hatha Yoga instructors. I found http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bikram_Choudhury information on this type of yoga. Other types of yoga include those on this list: http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-68/Different-Types-of-Yoga.html
Waiting for Radiation
Confusing time now as I wait for radiation. Everything makes me cry; a sad movie, a cute dog, anything. I'm now going to return to work after radiation and funny thing - I'm terrified. I have to fill out forms this month and get my doctors' (there are 6 of them) to sign the okay to go back to work form. Still, I don't know that outcome of my treatments and I don't know if I will be ready to go back to work. Doesn't feel like it right now but how can I tell when I'm still working through the last chemo treatment?
Must be getting back to normal though. My appetite has returned a bit.
Must be getting back to normal though. My appetite has returned a bit.
Preparing for Radiation Therapy
Most people are more frightened of chemo than they are of radiation therapy. Me? Well, I grew up when nuclear bombing was feared. We had school drills in grade one where we heard an alarm and then we all hid under our desks. I remember doing this 5 times one week. Afterwards, we saw a movie of Hiroshima where people had their skin melted off from the radiation. Even as a six year old I knew that hiding under the desk wasn't going to help much. I asked the teacher a question about that and then was sent to the hallway to think about adjusting my brazen attitude to this serious subject. From then on I didn't ask any questions. I had learned to not ask questions and to be afraid.
Today, with those memories still vivid in my mind, I went to my initial radiation therapy session to be marked. I received three pin-point tattoos and lots of kind guidance from the nurses. It is not going to be as bad as imagined. Later . . .
Today, with those memories still vivid in my mind, I went to my initial radiation therapy session to be marked. I received three pin-point tattoos and lots of kind guidance from the nurses. It is not going to be as bad as imagined. Later . . .
My Last Chemo: Back with the Mojo . . .
All it takes is a bit of steroid help when the new chemo is given. Then you feel all your mojo return. It is time to do things. I feel energized and full of mojo today. Good thing I set action goals the night before. This morning I took my last chemo and it lasted 5 hours. I read a book during that time.
Don't think for a minute, if you haven't done this, that the nurses hook you up to a bag and drain chemo into you for 5 hours while they sit at a desk playing solitaire. No, they attend to you every 7 minutes and keep your lines flowing/change medicines. They are very busy attending to their patients and they work hard to avoid making any errors. The volunteers are busy asking if you need something to drink or eat. They help you to feel comfortable and assist the nurses in every way they can. It makes for a very supportive atmosphere.Today, when I left, I had a tear in my eye as each nurse gave me a hug and wished me the best in the future. Then they gave me a book of what to do after chemo. It was a very touching moment. A deep relationship is build through the treatments. Who knew that was going to happen? Not me.
Oh, yes, they also removed my PICC today. It's nice to have the PICC removed but I would say that I would not hesitate to have one again if I had to do chemo another time. For now, I can sleep without worrying that I'll disturb it.
Yes, I know that I will be feeling the chemo in about 48 hours but I am enjoying this interlude before my body does the chemo battle. It is a good day.
Here's a great site http://www.chemoready.ca/en/understanding/index.jsp where you can find out information about chemotherapy from beginning to follow-up.
Don't think for a minute, if you haven't done this, that the nurses hook you up to a bag and drain chemo into you for 5 hours while they sit at a desk playing solitaire. No, they attend to you every 7 minutes and keep your lines flowing/change medicines. They are very busy attending to their patients and they work hard to avoid making any errors. The volunteers are busy asking if you need something to drink or eat. They help you to feel comfortable and assist the nurses in every way they can. It makes for a very supportive atmosphere.Today, when I left, I had a tear in my eye as each nurse gave me a hug and wished me the best in the future. Then they gave me a book of what to do after chemo. It was a very touching moment. A deep relationship is build through the treatments. Who knew that was going to happen? Not me.
Oh, yes, they also removed my PICC today. It's nice to have the PICC removed but I would say that I would not hesitate to have one again if I had to do chemo another time. For now, I can sleep without worrying that I'll disturb it.
Yes, I know that I will be feeling the chemo in about 48 hours but I am enjoying this interlude before my body does the chemo battle. It is a good day.
Here's a great site http://www.chemoready.ca/en/understanding/index.jsp where you can find out information about chemotherapy from beginning to follow-up.
Lost in Laziness
I cannot seem to do anything. All that kept me going in the first month is gone. It is as if I don't care about anything. When will my ability to concentrate come back? What is wrong with me? I have goals and I have a timeline for accomplishing the bits of each. Somehow nothing seems to work for making me get up and do it all.
Did I Keep My Mojo?
Yes, the three days worked and I wrote my paper. It was hard to do because I am so out of rhythm with writing. On an ordinary day, I could just sit and write but when you leave it for a month or two it becomes hard to sit and think like a writer. Maybe that's just me, not you.
I was pretty lazy at the beginning but as the deadline approached I was able to pump up my energy enough to make it happen. I feel like I've accomplished a huge goal. I've leaped over a huge mountain.
What it means to me is that I can now go back to writing my book and that I will finish the last two chapters.
I will now set the goal of doing this for November 2nd.
I was pretty lazy at the beginning but as the deadline approached I was able to pump up my energy enough to make it happen. I feel like I've accomplished a huge goal. I've leaped over a huge mountain.
What it means to me is that I can now go back to writing my book and that I will finish the last two chapters.
I will now set the goal of doing this for November 2nd.
Mojo is Back!!!
OK. It is 12 days until my final chemo treatment and my mojo is back. Happened this morning. I am a raging ball of energy. I'm directing it towards my research and writing rather than cleaning this time. There is no time to spare. I might be able to do a couple of things in those 11 days in between. Hope so. Then all this might be something that was not such a waste. I am glad to receive treatments and hope to get better but if life means sleeping most of the time then what's the purpose?
The other thing is that I want to lose another bit of weight. This time 30 pounds. I have 28 to go. It must be possible on 1200 calories a day. In one week I hope to be 169 lbs - down ten from what I am now by really focusing on the diet and being unable to keep things down due to the chemo.
Anyway, my big push right now is to get to Thursday, that is in three days, I want to write my first paper since I went on chemo. Hope my mojo stays with me during these three days.
Check out a young women's blog on her journey. http://cancerspot.org/category/awareness/
The other thing is that I want to lose another bit of weight. This time 30 pounds. I have 28 to go. It must be possible on 1200 calories a day. In one week I hope to be 169 lbs - down ten from what I am now by really focusing on the diet and being unable to keep things down due to the chemo.
Anyway, my big push right now is to get to Thursday, that is in three days, I want to write my first paper since I went on chemo. Hope my mojo stays with me during these three days.
Check out a young women's blog on her journey. http://cancerspot.org/category/awareness/
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